Reflection

One of the most difficult things I've had to do in this process is take a good hard look in the mirror. One of the things that I really want to focus on improving is my coping skills. I've coped with so much over the years. I know I can handle whatever ball comes my way but there's a difference between productive and positive coping and just being able to cope. I've been doing the latter and it is making me an ugly person.

An honest mistake at a store sometimes ends with me getting very upset and taking it out on a store employee. Kiddo acting like a child (because that's what he is!) involves snapping and sometimes some not so kind words. It ends with gossip and negative words which lead to negative feelings.

I'm trying to remember to take a breath and be mindful.

X spilled orange juice on the carpet. Instead of snapping to "clean it up!" or "look what you did!" like I might have a month ago I take a breath. It's orange juice. It's not going to stain. Even if it did It's not the end of the world. That's what rugs are for, right? Lord knows I spilled much worse things on my parents carpet! So I pause for a moment. I take a breath. "These things happen buddy. Let's learn how to clean it up together! Do you want me to show you or do you want to show me?" We got it clean. We even threw in some impromptu dance moves and X learned the valuable skill of carpet cleaning. More importantly - we had fun. I could have snapped, cleaned up, and then sulked about the fact that I was being a poor parent and partner to my kids. Instead I was more mindful. I let it pass over me.

I like to think about being a rock in a fast moving river. I could be frustrated and try to beat the river - poking out of the river, always struggling and being bombarded by the harsh waves. Or I could take a breath and lay with the water, letting it pass over my body. I'm one with the river. There is no struggle, no argument. Just beautiful existence.

Things Part II

It has been 2 weeks since we purged a bunch of our belongings. I was so concerned about what we would miss. It turns out my fears were so incredibly unwarranted. Not only do we not miss what we purged but we are happier! X plays much better independently. He's content. I think we both felt overstimulated and overwhelmed with so many things. I'm able to cook more, things are easier to keep tidy, and we both appreciate things more. So far it is a huge success! Someday in the not so distant future we will do another sweep (especially of toys and clothes!) and I suspect will be even happier.

Things.

Stuff. Possessions. Things. Equipment. Gear. Junk. Objects. Things.

Whatever you want to call them, we have too many of them. I've tried to find happiness in buying things. As the old adage goes "You can't buy happiness" but oh how I've tried. We are overrun with things we do not use, need, or appreciate. Step one to happiness is to release. We are letting go of oh so many things in hopes that they will be appreciated and loved by others. This represents only a small portion of what we have released recently. These are all toys. We still have too many toys but one thing at a time.

We decided to participate in a consignment sale for children's things. It was the easiest and more beneficial. I ended up taking down one huge box, 9 medium boxes, 2 small boxes, and 8 large trash bags. All with two kids in tow in the snow, but that's a story for another day. We also donated some to our local thrift store and passed some things on to friends and family. We had three large trash bags from our closet alone. All clothes we have collected but do not appreciate or wear. At first it was hard to let go... what if we need them in the future? I don't wear it because I couldn't find it! Remember that time 3 months ago that X played with this for 10 minutes and was so incredibly happy??

To be continued...

Whirlwind

It began with a whirlwind of excitement. I want to change this! I need to change that! No more chemicals! Eat better! Exercise more! Be natural!  Cook more! No more of this! More of that!

Then it shifted quickly into confusion. How do I find the time to cook with two small kids? What IS important and what isn't? How do I find natural things? What are all these ingredients? What should I avoid? What should I look for?

It all boiled down to one question. One thing sparked all of this and is my goal here. What can I do to be happier?

At this point I'm not sure. Somewhere over the years I became high strung. I worry too much and I'm anxious. I let things get under my skin when in the past they'd roll right off me. Things that didn't used to be a big deal suddenly are. I have tried to find happiness in the wrong places. I've fallen into the trap of thinking... "Buying this will make me happy." My happiness has both been created and torn down through the Internet. On one hand I've found an amazing support group of like minded friends who offer words of encouragement and advice. I've discovered amazing things in my community and activities I would enjoy doing. On the other hand I've let myself be distracted from what truly matters. I spend too much time online and not enough time with my husband or children. I get so involved in things that more important things get pushed off.

Looking back most of this corresponds to the birth of my first child and the isolation and fear associated with new motherhood. After all, Google has an answer to every question or worry a new mother has.

Initially I told myself I'd take it one thing at a time but I think there's a better approach here. I've found a few things that are important to me and I'm going to work on them a little at a time simultaneously so I don't lose sight of my goal or become overwhelmed with trying to make something perfect. Life is imperfect and therein lies the beauty.

One day.

One day I woke up and realized... I need to work on myself. I used to be so much more passionate. I had more compassion and was more mindful. Now? I snap at my husband and my kids far too often. I treat my body poorly. I get upset when the world doesn't progress how I want it to. I take things out on others. I let things bother me when they are out of my control. I feel like a failure more often than not.

And I want to be better.

I want to spend more time on the things that are important to me and less on the things that aren't. I used to be happier in my skin because I felt genuine. Thankfully there's no better time than the present to change. I will have failures and triumphs but at the end of the day I'd like to look back and see myself being genuine more often than not. I created this blog to follow my journey and experiences down the road to enlightenment.